Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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