Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
