whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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