I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
