Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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