I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
