i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
