It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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