You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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