Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
