You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
