Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
