You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
