I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize