i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
