Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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