So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
