I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
