Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
