i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You may now shotgun with the bride
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
