That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
