Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
