If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
