We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
