Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
