Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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