Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
