His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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