He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
