Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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