Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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