you guys were way drunker than both of me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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