remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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