It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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