Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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