But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
