I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
