"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
