like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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