i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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