He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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