She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
