That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
