I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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