i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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