she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
