I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
