Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
