a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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