Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
