i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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