I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
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It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
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All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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