He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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