Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i drank out of a bidet.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
