I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
