apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
