It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
