I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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