i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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