she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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